Building Systems in Chaos

A messy essay on learning how to swim when you start to drown

My first swimming lesson began with my Aunt dropping me feet first into the dilapidated pool at Howard Projects. Even now at 33, I can remember my four-year-old self looking up at her through the water. She lifted me into the air while I spit up chlorine and blinked violently to restore my vision.

“You gotta learn to swim, NuNu,” she slapped my back hard to force the water out of my throat. “You just sank.”

That was my first lesson in learning to swim while I started to drown.

Children playing in the Howard Houses Swimming Pool | Source: The Swimming Academy

Chaos as a Constant

“It’s a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown. It’s a silly time to learn to swim on the way down.” - Tegan & Sara, My Number

I used to be a person who shared this popular refrain from Tegan & Sara at any available opportunity. If I watched anyone attempt to fix their situation at a time I deemed “too late”, I would judge them for trying.

A cousin asked for money after their bill was already late? Silly time to learn to swim.

A colleague decided to fix that health ailment after it already reached Stage 4? Silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown.

The person I judged most during this time was myself. My own shame was on full display about feeling like I often waited “too late” to fix my own problems. I felt ashamed that my life felt chaotic, and therefore, it was too chaotic to fix. At times I even wondered if there was a point to trying to fix my life at all. I was so deep into my shame that I barely realized how immobile I had becone.

Shame created feelings of helplessness. I felt powerless to change anything with how harshly I judged myself, and in turn, how harshly I judged everything around me.

The truth is I am in debt, just like my cousin, and just like so many of us in America. The truth is I have ignored health ailments until they felt insurmountable, just like my colleague and just like everyone I know. These are not just isolated incidents, rather systemic issues perpetuated by our society. On both the micro and macro level, there is chaos all around.

As the chaos of my inner and outer world reigned on, I felt like all I could do was give in and get swept up in the impending currents.

Sometimes all we have is chaos

Our lives as human beings are more complex than ever before. Being from a marginalized community or having multiple systems of oppression impact you makes it even more complex. On any given day, the average person makes dozens of decisions, sorts through a significant number of stimuli, and somehow still has to plan for the next day.

But how can you possibly plan to take care of the pain in your knee when your working multiple jobs, when you’re trying to make money to get out of debt, when there’s a genocide occuring that your government is paying for, when your parents are sick, when the government targets your family of immigrants, when your campus is overwhelmed by n@zi’s, when you’re trying to stay in shape, and when everything around you is in chaos?

Sometimes all you can do is build systems while in the midst of chaos.

Over the past few years, I had to build a new care system for myself in how I take care of my wrists. A bad wrist sprain in 2021 led to a double wrist sprain in 2022.

Truthfully, I haven’t been the same since.

Building Systems in Chaos

I had to get more organized and plan my days more effectively to take care of my wrists. I had just turned 30 at the time. It was only at the start of that decade that I began thinking critically about how to create a morning routine that was more than rolling out of bed, showering, and shoving breakfast down my throat before my morning commute.

Very slowly, I had to build in time to get up early to ice and stretch my wrists. Most of my physical therapy appointments began at 6:00 am in a neighboring town, which meant I was driving over a mountain in wintertime just to squeeze a stress ball and use play-doh. This one change in my morning routine had ripple effects throughout my day.

I did this all throughout the early days of the pandemic, while fighting a legislative campaign in a state
I didn’t live in, while fighting against the re-opening of a youth prison in the state I live in, while stumbling into my 30’s, while witnessing family members in prison waste away, while planning a wedding and confronting some of my deepest secrets exacerbated by the isolation of COVID-19…

This is what it was like building in chaos. I learned that it’s actually not a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown, especially if all you know is drowning.

What my morings used to look like

Oppressed people can develop their own systems, even in the midst of chaos

It may feel counterintuitive, but the best time to start building new systems is right where you are, right here, right now.

Building new systems and planning does not mean you sprint to the finish line and try to accomplish everything you want on Day 1. That’s never going to happen, and doing so will probably lead you to feelings of shame that may keep you from continuing on your path.

Instead, I am suggesting that wherever you are reading this, now is a perfect time to develop your own systems in whatever area you’d like. A morning routine. An evening routine. A system for taking care of yourself after an unexpectedly grueling work week. A set of habits to move you towards acting more in line with your values. A plan to get that manuscript off your computer and into the community of artists who will bring your vision to life.

Oppressed people, even in the midst of chaos, can and should develop their own systems. For Black folks, I think that most of us aren’t used to dreaming, or aren’t used to allowing ourselves to envision the fullness of our dreams because we’ve been told to come back to Earth. “Dreaming won’t get you anywhere” we’re told.

Except it does as long as you combine it with action.

If you can get personally organized, you can organize with others. If you can organize with others, you can build power.

Developing my own systems with my wrist have been helpful in more ways than one. My confidence has grown as I have taken agency to care for myself. It has literally rewired my brain. I feel much more confident in my ability to organize myself and in my belief in what I can achieve. Building systems can support you in the long run.

Call it systems. Call it developing habits. Call it understanding your baseline and executing a task. Call it whatever you want - but I have learned that if you can build a habit, you can build anything.

My current morning routine, which is ever evolving like myself. Truthfully, I haven’t been doing my morning circut as much because life is lifing

I do believe that everyone can and should build their own systems.

If you build a system, you essentially get yourself organized.

If you can organize yourself, you can organize with other people.

If you organize with other people, you can create systems with other people (like a group, an organization, an institution).

If you can create systems with other people, you build collective power.

If you build collective power, you can change the systems that have an impact on you.

My Aunt was right - I can’t just allow myself to sink. Luckily over the years, I’ve learned how to swim.

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The best place to start is to start where you are

Is there something you’re looking forward to building a new system around?

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I’m going to be exploring this more through my organization Action Arc Labs. As I dive further into owning a business and entrepreneurship, this is an area that I’m excited to tackle more - practical productivity tips for organizers, activists, and artists. I’ll continue to use this space to flesh out thoughts, and share some of the offerings I’ll be doing through Action Arc Labs in my Substack.

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From Muzzanni’s Multitudes to Curiously Human

I’ve changed the name of this space from Muzzanni’s Multitudes to Cuirously Human. That more accurately reflects the space I’m cultivating here.

The question mark tattoo on the back of my neck is an attempt at a physical representation of my curious nature and my desire to never stop asking questions.

A still from my short film, BE HERE NOW

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Thanks for being along for the ride and subscribing to my digital archive and public journal, Curiously Human. If this entry resonated with you or helped you to feel a little less alone, please share my Substack by re-posting it on your feed or sending it to someone you know. This allows me to grow Curiously Human, which in turn allows my art to blossom.

Kenyatta ✨