Pantomime
A journal entry re-capping my film premiere, pantomimes, & being human
The screening for my short film BE HERE NOW can only be described as surreal. It was my first solo event as an artist. As a former theater kid, performances were always a group project. This was my first experience of putting together a solo event.
It exceeded my expectations in every way.
My first screening of BE HERE NOW
Every fiber of my being has been stretched to create BE HERE NOW, and by consequence, the person I have stretched into is taking time to settle into this new skin.
Looking into the crowd at the beginning of screening, onto the eyes of friends, family, and new people, was totally overwhelming. Creating the film was one thing - sharing it with an audience is another. It’s a declaration.
A declaration of what, exactly?
Of myself.
Of The Clown being here to stay.
Of staying the course on this creative journey.
Some things went according to plan, and some didn’t. We ran out of chairs in the beginning, and had to get extra from storage. My partner stepped in as host while I made last minute edits and tried to calm my beating heart.
It was surreal and exciting and a beautiful way to step into this new skin.
Thank you to all of you reading this, and for those who have supported BE HERE NOW.
There will be more screenings in the future, including a virtual screening in the coming weeks. I’ll announce everything here in Muzzanni’s Multitudes so you can come through.
Enjoy these snapshots of joy~~
Clowning & Resistance
A day after the premiere, I read Conscious Citizens Dispatch #17 from Little Wins Studio. To my surprise, a short segment of the dispatch covered clowning. Specifically, it highlighted the forms of resistance that clowning can take and what happens when it is co-opted. The entire dispatch is worth a read. But, I wanted to connect this dispatch to some of my experience in creating BE HERE NOW.
Though I’ve been afraid of clowns since I was a child, I’ve lately been fascinated with clowning in theater. Last year I wrote a short story about clowns for a magazine submission that wasn’t picked up. I intentionally took the time to learn more about clowning, something I had never done before.
To my caulrophobia’s dismay, I can’t seem to stop thinking about the role of clowns throughout history.
pantomime (noun) /păn′tə-mīm″/
: conveyance of a story by bodily or facial movements especially in drama or dance
: the art or genre of conveying a story by bodily movements only
To create the character of The Clown, I borrowed heavily from the clowns that I enjoy, including Charlie Chaplin, Rowan Atkinson, Buster Keaton, and my favorite, Loonette the Clown.
Chaplin’s zeal. Atkinson’s authenticity. Keaton’s grief. Even Loonette’s accountability (see: “Hey, who made this big mess. Oh, me?”). We love an accountable Queen who then changes her behavior.
I also read a lot on the origins of clowning, including learning about the Godfather of modern clowning, Joseph Grimaldi. Reading this article by Ed Simon on clowning in media opened my eyes to what clowns represent. Some of that is reflected in BE HERE NOW.
Grimaldi was just that — grim all day, as he told audiences.
Many of these clowns, especially Chaplin, pushed back against the status quo. From there, I drew a lot of inspiration and began to embody The Clown.
On Sunday morning after the screening, the latest newsletter from the Conscious Citizens hit my inbox. The Little Wins team shared a ton of fantastic resources and spent a portion of the newsletter highlighting what happens when our movements are co-opted. To my surprise, clowning was included:
BE HERE NOW is a film that sits at the intersection of arts and resistance because I sit at that same intersection. The Grimaldi article and the Conscious Citizens dispatch are reminders that I’m on the right path; resistance, even with clown makeup on, is resistance.
What’s In A Name?
In the next few weeks, I’m going to change the name of my digital archive and public journal here on Substack. I’ve been playing with a few different names, one that defines this space more precisely. I haven’t chosen it yet, but the name of this space will change very soon.
I wanted to give you the heads up that it’s still me, just with a new name to fit what I want this space to become.
What’s Been Getting Me Through
Here’s some of what’s been getting me through lately
Books. Here are my books over the last two weeks: Mouths of Rain by Briona Simone Jones and Human, All Too Human by Fredrich Nietzsche. I’m proud to share that I was fortunate enough to pick up both copies from independent bookstores in my community.
Singing. Now that my TMJ disorder symptoms have eased, I’ve found my voice again. I’ve been singing to pass the time, to get the energy out of my body, to uplift my soul. Singing has been a saving grace of myself these past few weeks.
The expansiveness of being queer. The week of my screening was also the Grand Opening of The People’s Place in Waterbury, CT! I’ve been working with TPP for some time now, and it’s been a beautiful experience.
During the Grand Opening, I held a mini Power Mapping session with my colleagues. My power maps look different than most organizers. I make mine like an ecogram (which I learned in grad school for social work), and like your average Millenial queer raised on The L Word (where I make a chart like Alice).
Here’s a photo of me explaining power mapping to a group of people and holding up a photo of Alice from The L Word.
I love being queer.
Note: I am not wearing my mask in this photo, and I quickly realized it. Afterwards, I put my mask on for the remainder of the event. We have to keep each other safe.
Thanks for being along for the ride and subscribing to my digital archive and public journal, Muzzanni’s Multitudes. If this entry resonated with you or helped you to feel a little less alone, please share my Substack by re-posting it on your feed or sending it to someone you know. This allows me to grow Muzzanni’s Multitudes, which in turn allows my art to blossom.
Kenyatta ✨